Save Him
by Raquelita
Summary: Every so often though, she thought about what would have happened if she hadn’t left him. Every so often, she missed him. Every so often she wondered if she hadn’t been meant to save him. Sirius/Lily angst. Rated T for mild language.


**A/N: just some Lily/Sirius angst. Partly inspired by real life. This is the first thing I've written in a long time, so I may be a little rusty. Read and enjoy!**

Lily had never broken anyone's heart before. She had never left anyone shattered on the floor, somehow still desperate to fix things.

Until now.

"You told me you loved me," Sirius said, emotion choking through his voice, "Why did you lie?"

" Nothing I ever told you was a lie," she whispered, "It was all true Sirius. God, I meant it when I said it! How could I have known that things would change so much?"

Sirius gave a hollow laugh, "Maybe it's my fault then, because I sure as hell should have known how all of this would turn out. You and James were meant for each other Lils. Everyone knows it – even I know it. For some reason though, I thought that maybe…" he shook his head, "It doesn't matter what I thought. I was wrong."

"Sirius – " Lily sat down next to him on the floor of the common room. It was past 3am, and the two were alone except for the dying embers on the hearth. _Fitting,_ Lily thought bitterly.

Ending things with Sirius Black was the hardest thing she would ever have to do. It wasn't fair – it made her hate herself. Yes, the girl she had been had loved the boy he was. But she wasn't that girl anymore. So many parts of Sirius seemed hell-bent on self destruction, and one time she knew she had been the same. There was no reason behind it, just a need. They had fit together then. Their love was hard and fierce, so often blurring into the lines of lust. But summer had changed things.

Lily had received a letter from James at the beginning of the holidays – that was all, just one simple letter. But she had written back, and he had written again, and she'd gone to see him, and suddenly for the first time in her life Lily felt truly happy. Everyone noticed the change, and it didn't take long for them to understand what had brought it about. This boy, James Potter, had all but saved her life. And suddenly Lily could see what she had been trying to ignore in her relationship with Sirius. He made her cry more than he made her laugh, when they got into fights they did everything they could to hurt each other, he was full of hate after what he had been through with his family. Yes, he was a good friend. But he wasn't good for her.

"I don't know what else to say," she said, "I'm just so sorry."

"I don't want pity," he replied suddenly, a hard edge in his voice, "But I hope you understand what you just did Lily. This is it. This is really the end of us. No second chance."

"I won't want a second chance," Lily said defensively, " This is the best thing for both of us. Look Sirius, I know you're James' best friend, and you've been wonderful to him but maybe you should start worrying about yourself."

"Where the hell did that come from?"

Lily took a deep breath. If she didn't say this now, she knew she never would. And someone had to.

"Sirius, we were together for almost six months. We've been through a lot, and we've done plenty of stupid things. But listen to me, it needs to stop. The binge drinking and looking for trouble and self-loathing. You're one of the most talented wizards I've ever met and I'm sick of watching you throw that away. I've been trying to tell you that for so long, but you just … you won't listen to me. You don't seem to want to listen to anyone."

"Well look who's talking!" he yelled back, "Just because you've kept up your perfect persona doesn't mean you're any better than I am Lily."

"I'm _not _any better than you," Lily said, trying to keep her voice even, "But I don't hurt myself anymore Sirius.I figured out I was worth more than that, and so are you."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll all get better because I'll meet the person who's perfect for me and everything will suddenly turn around and life will be wonderful. Oh wait, that was you. Don't preach to me Lily, I don't need your help."

Lily could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She hated watching Sirius destroy himself the way he was. It was almost too painful to stand, and she knew it would only get worse now. It would get worse because she wouldn't be there to put a stop to it when things got out of control.

It was then that Sirius began to cry. Silently, just a few tears. Lily had never seen him cry before.

"Please," he whispered finally, putting one hand gently on her face, "don't stop loving me Lily. I know things aren't always good when we're together, but we can work it out. Don't leave me for James. Please."

Lily looked into his stormy gray eyes and saw what they would be like if she stayed with him. It would hurt. It would hurt both of them everyday. They were no good for each other, and sooner or later she knew he would realize it too. What they had was too intense, too raw. They wouldn't be able to stand it.

"I can't," she said quietly, "We hurt each other too much. I'm sorry Sirius. I'm so very sorry."

With a gentle kiss, she got up and walked away, leaving Sirius alone with the dying fire.

Over the next few months, Lily found that she had never been happier. She was in love with James Potter, and he made her want to be a better person. He was everything. And yet … Sirius was worse than he had ever been, and it hurt her everytime he hurt himself.

At first she blamed herself, but eventually she came to understand that these were his choices, his deicisions. Every so often though, she thought about what would have happened if she hadn't left him. Every so often, she missed him. Every so often, she woke up from a dream and found herself wanting his arms around her one more time.

Every so often she wondered if she hadn't been meant to save him.

**A/N: I absolutely love this pairing. Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


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